This week was a struggle. I think I cried more this week than I have in a long time. I have been pretty quiet on the blogging front, because I have tried to take Thumper’s advice of, “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all…”
On Sunday, I knew this week was already going to be tough. I had gotten used to having Brad around the last two weeks, and I knew I would have to adjust to being on my own again during the day, since he went back to work Monday. That in itself, got me kind of down.
Then I had an unexpected conversation that sent me into that downward spiral of fear. It got me so worked up and the what-if’s began. After that talk, the rest of the week I felt like crap; both physically and emotionally. It didn’t help that this week has been a very pain-filled week for me. But I know the pain is not all of what caused me to have such a tough week. A big part of my struggles this week was my attitude. I feel like I let my CAN DO attitude fall off track this week. I was doing so well, being so positive, and forging ahead….
And then I let someone take the wind out of my sails. I take full responsibility for this because I allowed it to happen, but it caused me a lot of freak outs, a lot of tears, a lot of self doubt and self criticism, and a lot of negative Internet surfing…
(It’s been a while since my computer has had to be taken away from me).
Then, as my neck, shoulder, and back pain kept increasing throughout the week, I turned to the Internet to try and find ways to help the pain, or reasons for why it may be happening. Through this “research” I found myself getting sucked into certain online “support groups” that resulted in me believing that I was either a) headed for a stroke and/or b) that I am going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life and nothing will ever help me.
Whoa, that fear is suffocating and debilitating. It is so not healthy for my mind and it sucks every ounce of hope and faith I have right outta me.
Last night, the breakdown for the week peaked and the waterworks started to really flow. I felt like I had held so much of it in all week, and it all started to come out…Things I hadn’t ever acknowledged were bugging me….Like, feeling sad because I feel less independent since I am not making my own money right now. Feeling pissed because I can’t go outside and run anymore (when I used to feel like this, I would run, and I would feel better). Feeling embarrassed because I had to start taking Prozac to help regulate my Autonomic Nervous System three days ago. Feeling lonely since I am at home most days on my own. Feeling so scared to get my hopes up about prolotherapy helping me. Feeling so scared that other treatments are not going to help. Feeling like what is my life purpose right now?
After that release, I realized, I had to get myself together because this attitude derailment is DEFINITELY not going to help me get any better. I told myself, Katie, you are stronger than this!
Today I have worked much harder at positive self talk. I have stayed off the scary Internet sites and have instead read bits and pieces of Love is Letting Go of Fear by Jampolsky. I have reviewed with myself that I am the one in control~of my health, of my attitude, of my faith, of what I read, and who I choose to surround myself with. I learned a lesson this week that those last two are big pieces of the emotionally healthy puzzle. I must be careful about what I choose to read about POTS and EDS, and it is the positive people who help keep me sane, and help keep me forging ahead; not the negative nellys.
Yes, I hurt, and yes, I get scared. But dwelling on these facts obviously do NOTHING for me. Some days are tougher than others but I am a fighter and I will do what I can to get healthier and healthier. Better days ahead! Better weeks ahead! Negative Nelly’s, get outta my way!
Health. Faith. Courage. (Thanks Al for the constant reminder around my neck).
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